UR Lesbian: LGBT Files Volume 17

UR Lesbian: LGBT Files Volume 17: Single Life

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article on relationships. This article is about the exact opposite: being single! 

WARNING: This is my reflection on being single and my current personal thoughts on dating.

Being single for the past 2 1/2 years has been the best thing to happen to my life. I'm a very independent young woman who enjoys my personal freedom and having time to do things I enjoy. To me, there is nothing better than being able to take a nice long walk or even mini vacation alone to clear the mind. Dating and relationships require much hard work, and eventually become a physical, emotional, and time consuming responsibility. I enjoy doing things for myself, it brings a sense of accomplishment that can't be found anywhere else. 

Everyone feels lonely on occasion. Right now, I'm at a point in life where I don't think any amount of love or affection could possibly be worth the aggravation I see people go through during and after relationships. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish to end up a bitter hag like so many before me... but I'm not sure how willing I am to give myself up like that, when there is seemingly so much to be cautious about.

  I understand that its not right to live in fear, and fear might not even be the right word, but when it comes down to it, I don't trust easily. That being said, people make it REALLY EASY NOT TO TRUST anyone, ever. I tend to find myself disappointed with other people's decisions more than anything. I try not to think of it as losing hope in romantic situations, but I also know that life doesn't always go the way we'd like. I've been hurt in a few relationships where I was cheated on or seriously lied to, and situations like that really take a toll on my feelings (so maybe I'm a little sensitive...). 

Being single makes me feel safe.

Life isn't really about safety though, is it? Its about pushing forward through hard times. How we handle these difficult situations ends up defining us in the end.

Luckily, I've found numerous ways to keep busy and not dwell on such feelings. The work I do with the radio station and my side projects are literally my saving grace because they distract me. My work gives me a place to be safe in my own head. I don't know what I'd do without the few things I stand for.

Some people might not understand what I mean or where I'm going with all of this.... 

Let me try to explain a little better.

As much time as I spend around people, I really don't go out "partying" very often, and in turn don't make very many appearances out into the LGBT nightlife scene either. Over the past few months I've found myself choosing to stay in and work on writing pieces, blogging, social media and/or my radio show. I honestly feel like this has been a smart decision. Don't get me wrong, I do have my fun! My passion lies in my creative work. 

 

Something I should talk about (and I almost hate to admit it), is that I'm secretly a hopeless romantic.

I enjoy the thought of having someone who loves me for my beliefs and what I stand for, as opposed to just my (mediocre) looks. There is definitely a personal boundary wall I've built between myself and anyone trying to make their way in. Its there because I know that behind my metaphorical wall I'm safe from the harm people sometimes intentionally project onto others. No one deserves to be the victim of another person's insecurities. In my opinion, people need to own up to these insecurities and take some responsibility. It is mature to be able to admit one's faults and either learn how to work with or change them. 

What makes me seemingly different from many of the people I often encounter is that I don't play head games. It seriously aggravates me when people toy with the emotions of other people simply because they know they can. I find it immature and childish to actively waste time and energy trying to piss someone off or hurt their feelings. Be straight forward. What is the worst that can happen?  As I've said many times before, feelings are real, and should not be taken lightly. I, myself, get attached easily, and in turn, get hurt just as easily (which explains my less than interested attitude about dating in general).

I've watched people who I consider strong and independent CRUMBLE under the power of someone else's ego after a break up. I've also seen myself crumble before my own eyes because of people who didn't deserve the time of day from me. It makes me sick.

I'll be DAMNED TO HELL if I let any other human being make me feel bad about myself. 

Life happens, and sometimes all you can do is try to protect yourself. 

Being cautious is a must in this day and age, people's motives can sometimes be questionable at best. Being 23 years old currently, many would say I've got long way to go in life, and I refuse to feel this way forever. It's probably time to make an attempt to heal this weird thought process of mine and figure our exactly what I'm so afraid of in the first place...

The important thing is knowing 100% that I'm not looking for anyone right now. I don't want ANY type of serious intimate relationship because it distracts me from my work. My head is in the right place, my heart is close behind, and my intentions have always been in the right place. 

My work is my outlet and my number one focus right now. It is important to me. I'm not the best at what I do, by any means, but I hope that someday my determination and hard work will pay off... I'm not getting any younger here!

As far as hook ups go, I can't take them very seriously right now. Over the past 3(ish) years I haven't felt like much more than an object to the few people I've allowed in. Its my own fault for allowing it, and I know better than to place that blame on anyone else. 

I can own all of my mistakes and bad decisions. 

That all being said, I'm honestly considering not hooking up with anyone for 6 to 12 months just to see what happens (no promises, just something I'm considering). 

I'm far from perfect as a person. I've done my share of shitty stuff, some to people who deserved it, some to people who didn't. I've had  even shittier things done to me that I didn't deserve and other things that I totally deserved. I see it from a devil's advocate point of view, which might be a problem, but there comes a point when you feel like enough is enough. I can't watch this happen to myself or those around me anymore... Its discouraging to say the least and it makes me a little upset... Upset with myself, upset with others, and upset that I even waste my time thinking about this shit when I could be doing so many more productive things in the meantime.

I choose to spew off about how "awful" dating is because its nice to vent, but in all honesty, I'm not as bitter about relationships as I come off... maybe just a little hurt from the past. With enough time, I'm sure I'll feel differently, but for now, the very least I can say is that my lack of interest in dating has significantly helped me to gather my professional thoughts and goals. 

Cheers, to eventually finding 

love!

Jackie Soriano

Three Strange Women